In light of the fact that Andrew Fritz is getting married in the near future, I thought I would write an open letter about being married to someone. Being married to a person introduces you to a level of relationship that takes many people by surprise. It’s also loads of fun.
It is my opinion that most teens should think through the practicalities of making a good marriage, and consider sound marriage advice and perspectives before three months from the big day. Married people should also be open and looking for good ideas.
Here are some perspectives I have gleaned over the years.
Don’t Freak Out
The culture at large makes marriage out to be this scary, foreign thing. More and more Americans see living together as normal, but being married as the end of the party, the death of the romance, a precursor to divorce, or a slow slide into misery. But maybe the kids will be happy someday.
On the other hand, many pastors zealously build up the responsibility of marriage into a paralyzing terror in the minds of the poor nervous couple who are just in love and want to do the right thing. All of the sudden you are responsible for accurately representing the holy union between Christ and the church; and it’s your sworn duty to uphold the sanctity of marriage and other high-sounding rhetoric.
Both sides flood you with dire warnings, solemn looks, stupid jokes, and thoughtless and terrible stories.
So why in this sweet earth does anyone ever get married? Well, because it’s fun. It’s one of life’s greatest adventures to find or be found by the person you adore, fall in love, and embark on an exciting life together.
Don’t freak out. Your marriage isn’t going to be perfect, and it doesn’t have to be. Once you are married, you and your spouse stand before God as a unit. You are the only two people involved in the marriage, so you and God are the only people who need to approve of how you conduct it. Continue to have fun, be as romantic as you want, work hard on your growing relationship, don’t be too hard on yourself, talk, cry, laugh, try new foods and traditions, and don’t let other people’s skepticism bring you down.
Marriage is a Friendship
I find it useful to use the term friendship because while we can sometimes be unsure how to proceed with specialized terms like “spouse” or “helpmeet,” we know exactly how to treat a friend. While a married couple does have responsibilities to each another, and are bound by solemn vows, I have found through eleven years that the simplicity of kindness, sharing interests and life experiences, and sticking with one another through fears and failures, is the most meaningful part of a marriage. Kindness is perhaps the most underestimated thing in the world.
Don’t get me wrong, a spouse is way more than a friend. He or she is your soulmate—your partner in every aspect of life, and you are bound to him or her to such an extent that you belong to each other.
However, the primary problem I have seen in marriages is not that people fail to understand these deeper aspects, it’s that they fail to be friends.
If you’re not friends with your spouse or future spouse, get on building that friendship pronto!
Know Thy Spouse
Almost all people go through a dating process, wherein they get to know each other before getting married. Of course there are more things you find out about someone upon moving in with them; but most of the important character traits should be evident by the end of your dating phase. This should be true even if you have a more persnickety name for your dating phase. Most people who get married know each other pretty well.
And rightly so, for Peter tells husbands to honor their wives and to “dwell with them according to knowledge.” You should know the person you are married to, because if you don’t know him or her, you don’t know how to treat him or her properly, and worse, the two of you don’t share anything like the deep relationship proper for a marriage.
However, the word “dwell” or "live with," is an ongoing process, not a one-time event. People change. You will change. Your spouse will change. You know her when you get married, continue to get to know her, because she will change, and if you don’t keep up, one day you won’t know her anymore.
This is the number one reason for divorce. What do divorcing people say? “I don’t know her anymore.” “He’s not the same man I married twenty years ago.” “We just grew apart.” In every case, they stopped getting to know each other, because they did know each other once.
Seize the Moment
Ephesians 5:16 tells us to redeem the time. A rather odd phrase. The idea is that time is naturally evil, and must be used wisely and purposefully in order for good things to come of its passage.
As a spouse, time is not your friend. There are not many hours in the day, and they fill up fast. It is easy to find the two of you passively living out independent lives in the same house. If you let time sneak by without utilizing it to some purpose (in this case, building your relationship with your spouse), things will naturally break down. The passage of time has a certain entropy to it when left to its own devices.
This doesn’t mean either of you needs to be all stressed out about how you spend every moment. Simply purpose together to build your relationship. Talk a bit each day. Go on dates. Make time for the things you know you need to do. Live in light of this purpose.
The Two Become One
The two shall become one. This is the primary Biblical characteristic of marriage. This is the phrase in Genesis that Jesus went back to when asked about marriage. This is why sexual unfaithfulness is wrong and why divorce should be avoided if at all possible. When you get married, you and your husband or wife relationally cease to be separate entities and become one unit. This is behind all of the traditional vows.
Being one has also served as a helpful and practical way to view day-to-day marriage activity. Most people focus on doing things for yourself or for your spouse. The question I hear a lot is, “Are you doing more for him or her than for yourself?” While this is not a bad question, it is a little off, and it can lead to keeping score, swapping favors, making deals, or hording bitterness at always having to pour effort into someone else.
However, if you have become one new unit, than don’t worry about who you are doing things for. Both partners do things for the two of them as a unit. You both feed into your relationship with your actions. And you both benefit or suffer from the health of your relationship. Whatever gifts of time, effort, money, or pain that was given is for both of you, and benefits both of you. Work on you as a unit. The new you, composed of two people.
In this way, what you do for your spouse you are also doing for yourself, which can keep you from feeling used. Ephesians 5:28 says, “He who loves his wife loves his own body.” You don’t keep count of how many times you have had to take care of your body, or begrudge it getting sick or needing rest. It is part of you, and if you take care of it, it takes care of you.
In this way, both you and your spouse together benefit from every act of patience, kindness, generosity, respect, service, and forgiveness.
Under Grace,
John Fritz
John Fritz is the Volunteer Coordinator for Thoughtful Life Ministries and the primary author of the Thoughtful Life Journal, which is published weekly from March through September. The purpose of this blog is to challenge and encourage those who have a desire to cultivate a more meaningful walk with Christ. Visit our Homepage to learn more about the ministry and our annual two-week summer Discipleship Program for teens and young adults.